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19 January 2012 @ 11:56 pm
"Were it not for
the excess of your talking
and the turmoil in your hearts,
you would see what I see
and hear what I hear!"

- Ibn Arabi

One day, someone must patent a device that allows me to record my thoughts while running. Because, I swear, it's the period of the day when I get epiphany after epiphany.

I realise I enshrine the idea of the lone wolf; I like people who stick to their guns, alone, and who flip a finger to the world and go ahead with whatever they choose to do. To some extent I'm surrounded by them - maybe it takes a loner to understand another - and the remainder of this social circle seems to get on with their lives and accept that a lone wolf will never return to the pack. They get girlfriends, get engaged and get on with their lives.

You know that they've moved on when you see them making out in secluded spot while running on what I thought was a deserted trail in McRitchie.

The activities I enjoy most (surprise, surprise) are best done solo: reading, long quiet runs to clear my head, writing. I tried team sports, but hockey's a bit too violent and tchuokball is such a strange sport. The entire ethos and concept of that sport is like a smoker insisting that smoking behind a bush won't cause anyone any inconvenience. So it didn't work because I ran into the same people who used to bully little kids on the basketball courts hiding behind the mantle of a 'clean sport'.

And there's this whole thing with ambition. I can safely say that I wasn't the ambitious type before I started work: all I wanted was to write and kick back my weekends by hitting the trail or the forest. But ever since starting work, I find my PBs looking like old days on a paper calendar and I want to replace them when I get the chance. And writing for an audience within the company isn't enough. I want to freelance, get around, recapture the feeling when I was in the mixed zone at Bishan during the youth olympic games zipping between those lithe, gorgeously shy Japanese athletes and my laptop.

Also, as an aside, I think I've caught the travel bug. Singapore seems too small, filled with equally small people.

This is the reason for the huge disquiet, why when I run I think so deeply that my head hurts and still can't decide on a simple question like 'where should I serve'? Or maybe the easier question to answer is: 'why do I bother'? Why bother with a frame of reference that does not take into account my (admittedly) limited lifestyle? Presumably because I can refer to only a handful of conversations on how it was important to 'be united', striking out for a brand new start doesn't seem to intimidating. In fact, it seems imminent. 

Why settle for the low hanging fruit - the Saturdays spent in stale fellowship, the numbers that falsely define your ability, the borders of a country too satisfied with itself. As the cliche every Saturday morning goes, carpe vaim. Don't just drive (or have drive). Seize the road.
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